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"When You Feel Like Giving Up"

Dec 6 | Written By Alexandrea Blue

Its been a few days since I have been able to write. I have thought about this title for a few days now as it has been very difficult for me the past few weeks and to where I have been feeling like giving up. I can't describe how tough it is to wake up every day as sick as I am. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I am so thankful to be able to wake up to a new day but it can get hard when you're so sick and it can be very draining. My hands and my fingertips are extremely numb, my loss of appetite has come around, and vomiting has occurred more than 10 times. I have been a ghost to social media because all I want to do when I'm sick is sleep or find a way to stop it. This is hard, and I do not wish this sickness upon anyone. Cancer is a horrible disease that I wish never existed. I am here today writing to tell you all that I am not giving up. This month is probably the worst and I dreaded it to come.

I keep telling myself when I feel like giving up just think about what's to come when this is all over.

It is so hard to find the positives in this situation as I feel like everything has become negative. But like I have said time and time again, God gave me this battle for a reason because He knew that I could overcome it. Sometimes I pace around the house and wonder "why is this happening to me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" "I swear it's like torture!" but I realized that I am stronger than cancer. I feel like people only see the highlight reels, the good, the positives of being a cancer patient but not the bad because who wants to talk about being sick all the time? I can tell you some good things that have come out of this though...I haven't lost my hair yet, the mass is gone, and I am here. I could say a lot more about the negatives but I am sure you can guess those.

Recently, I got chemo for a week straight. Through the port, orally, and in injection. I thought that I would be fine but turns out my body was tired. I ended up getting sick and I went through the "no appetite phase" a phase that I did not want to enter. Everything I smelled made me want to vomit. If you have never lost your appetite, you're lucky! Then, I ended up vomiting multiple times and even kept going after I had nothing left in my system. My body became very weak, very sore, and overall drained. I ended up going to the E.R and I got some fluids. Fluids make me feel so much better because I have been hating drinking water lately which is not like me. When my body is dehydrated it tends to get very angry with me and decides to shut down. Taking showers isn't even that comforting anymore as it seems like every time I do take one I feel like passing out after. All the bad things happened to me this week and I am honestly dreading going to my infusion appointment this week. Luckily, the injections are completed as well as the oral chemo. Yay! See you never! As Christmas approaches, I have been trying to get into the festive mood! I was able to put up my Christmas tree in my room, hand my ornaments, and decorate my tree weeks before because I knew that I would probably be too sick to do it now...and I was right. Like every year I made a Christmas wishlist but the one thing I want is to be normal again.

I miss being able to laugh until I cried, go to the movies, go to concerts, go to the beach, going to school. I miss my "normal" life and honestly, I don't remember it. Cancer makes you forget about it all so you have to scroll through your Snapchat memories to remember the good times, which I do about once a day. I am here to tell you that whatever you may be going through you're loved, you're cared for, and you matter. You can get through this fight. I would also like to take the time to remember the sweet angels that we have lost on November 26th at Oxford High School in Oxford, Michigan. Even though I am going through my battle so are others and I feel for the family, students, and teachers. My love and prayers are being sent to everyone that has been affected by such a horrible instance. You all will never be forgotten and I think about you every day. Everyone is going through something, but don't give up.



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