“Feeling Like There’s No Hope Left”

First off I want to say hello! it's been a good while since I've come on here and talked to you guys. so much has happened since my last blog post and I have lots to spill about how cancer has been treating me. before reading any further you're going to want to have some tissues nearby as this one's gonna be heartbreaking to read.

I was so excited to start my "maintenance" phase. That meant my life was officially going to go back to normal and things would start to look brighter for my life. But instead God had a different plan for me. I know God wants the best for me and this all isn't happening because of God but for some reason that I don't know it is. I started school at Aveda in January of 2023 and I thought this was going to be a brand new start for me and my career, I thought I would be feeling 100%, I thought everything was finally coming together until 5 weeks came around and I just physically couldn't do it anymore. It was the hardest decision I had to make but my body was telling me that if I don't get rest and heal that everything is going to get worse. Now, I've been at home resting as much as I can and unfortunately I have not been feeling the best still. I've been weening off steroids and my body hasn't reacted that well to that. I've had my port infected which caused an absence and an infection along with having to get my port taken out. This not only is a painful recovery but unfortunate because now I will have multiple scars on my chest.

I can

no longer look myself in the mirror and feel confident, I struggle with eating, I have so much trouble getting around and even doing small things like taking a shower.

A few weeks later I got my new port in and it was placed just above the old one. The incision is much cleaner than the old one and if I'm being honest my chest just looks all messed up from all of the scarring which is very hard to get rid of. I had a lot of emotions towards all of this happening to me and it really took a toll on me. If anyone has experienced depression and anxiety then you know exactly what I'm about to talk about.

Everyday is the same for me as a 21 year old that dreamed of living in her own home/apartment, while being an amazing hairstylist, traveling the world, and so much more. But instead I'm basically stuck. Stuck at home, depressed, and holding on for dear life. I shouldn't have to be in bed every single day at 21 years old. I should be out living my dreams and I ask God everyday why me? I feel like I did everything right but it seems like everything is so wrong. From crying until I fall asleep, to constantly thinking what my future will look like, constantly thinking about if my body will ever look the same or if my hair will ever go back to being long again. I think about these things often and yes I know it will come in time but honestly it feels like everyday is dragging on with no hope left. The hardest part for me has to be me seeing my friends on social media living out their dreams at my age and me thinking "this was supposed to be you Alex."

I've heard from so many people that I need to trust God's timing. I am I really am trying it's just so so hard for me being so young and this happening to me at an age where life is just beginning. I feel like I'm falling behind. I don't get to go out anymore, travel, do fun things with friends because I'm so insecure with how I look or I'm even too sick, weak, etc. I've gained so much weight from the steroids and this has been going on for a long while and won't be leaving anytime soon. My hair is growing slowly....but surely. I'm trying to find the good in everyday but I'm struggling. I have so many scars on my body, my weight has changed, and my face is huge, I don't feel like myself and I look like a totally different person.

Im not okay, and it's okay to not be okay sometimes. My life has changed and it's hard.

Im looking for that light God. Bring it closer because I can't see anything right now.

I need you God.

Im going to keep updating you all on how things are going but that's how I'm feeling and what's going on right now with treatment.